An Open Letter: New Kosher Deli

( I wasn't going to blog, but I couldn't help it, I am STEAMED)

Dear Kosher Deli near my new office,

you suck. You are, on average $2.50 more expensive (per ITEM) than my previous kosher deli. You didn't have whole wheat bread, and you charged me extra for lettuce and tomato on my sandwich... and then DIDN'T PUT THEM ON.

Also, your pickles are kind of gross.

Love,
Annie

An Open Letter: Machal/Bnei Akiva

Dear Machal/Bnei Akiva,

I actually am not sure what your governing organization is, because my only information is gathered off of the backs of teenagers t-shirts.

You see, I was in Washington, DC yesterday (and it was so fricking hot) to see the National Museum of the American Indian. It was pretty lame, but we can talk about that later. As I walked around the Mall I saw 5 or 6 groups of young teenagers (with no discernible supervision!) in yellow t-shirts, carrying signs, and accosting strangers. The t-shirts said something like "help our captured soldiers" on the front, and on the back said "Machal" "Shevet Shvut" and the date. I googled "shevet shvut" and the only thing that came up was Bnei Akiva sites, and that seemed about right so I'll go with that.

At any rate, you may be wondering why I am writing this letter. You see, whomever you are, I think that your behavior in sending out young teenagers to accost strangers in DC, asking them to write their congresspeople to ask for the release of the captured soldiers bothers me for a number of reasons:

1) You are forcing/coercing kids to do this for you. Presumably these kids are on a Summer program, did they sign up for this specifically? It is pretty hot out there, and an unpleasant job. Are their parents aware that this is what their minor children are doing? It seems rather exploitive to me, and even dangerous, giving the heat, lack of supervision, and the fact that you have left small groups of children/teenagers alone in a city.

2) Even if these children are consenting, I have a problem with those who cannot vote lobbying those who can. There are other ways to influence politics, and if they wanted to raise money for a PAC, or hold a consciousness-raising event, fine. But it sits ill with me for them to ask constituents to lobby their representative when those asking are not in a position to do so. They can take none of the "risk," and don't really have to put themselves out there in the same way, so it seems unfair to ask others to do so.

3) I am a Zionist (CJ would say post-Zionist, but we can talk about that later), I am an American, and I am ticked. By lobbying people on the streets of DC, you are helping to spread the belief that Jews vote in America based on Israel. I hate when people do that, and I hate when people think that, that is the case. I would consider this a chillul hashem*, as you are, in fact, hurting other Jews. I have a Jewish friend who wants to work in the government, and he has to answer awkward questions about his allegiance to Israel in interviews. And that is just anecdotal. It is well known that Jews in the intelligence community have to answer many more questions than non-Jews, and why? Why? Because people like you behave in a way that makes Americans think that Jews are first Jews and second Americans, when for many people, that is not the case. We live in America, and I firmly believe that America's foreign policy should not be decided based on what is best for a third party state. I love Israel, I love the land, and I believe that the soldiers should be returned, but I don't think that there is any benefit in lobbying Congress. Lobby the UN, or the states that are giving sanctuary to Hamas and Hezbollah, but not Congress.

I hope that you will read this, and maybe identify yourself as whichever organization, so that I can properly address my complaints.

Sincerely,
Annie

*A chillul hashem is an act that makes Jews look bad, and a crime against G-d.

An Open Letter: Cabot Cheese

Dear Cabot Cheese,

I'm not sure how to say this, but, I love you. You have replaced Tillamook in my affections as the best kosher cheese. I discovered you a few summers ago when I was working on a farm that hosted my local 4-H fair. You donated a large number of single-serving cheeses, and I was hungry, I figured that there was no chance of a heksher*, but I checked, just to be sure. Lo, and behold, the tablet K.
It was like magic. Tasty, tasty magic. Yes, so I know that some people don't think that tablet K is an acceptable heksher, but a heksher plus the fact that cheese manufactured in America (meaning only cow milk unless specifically indicated otherwise) is good enough for me.

But Cabot, not only are you kosher, a qualification which Tillamook shares, but you also are hekshered in a number of varieties. While I can only enjoy Tillamook's yellow cheddar, you have many different options. Reduced fat, both 50 and 75%, reduced fat Jalapeno, horseradish, Harpoon IPA, and many more. I cannot tell you how much this means to me. Good cheese options! Reduced fat options! This is magic.

Cabot, I love you. Please never forsake me.

Love,
Annie

*A heksher is a symbol that certifies that a product was created under the supervision of a Rabbi, and is kosher according to his authority

An Open Letter: Gossip Rags

Dear Gossip Rags (superficial, go fug yourself, etc),

please stop using "paps" as an abbreviation for papparazzi. I realize in the former case that it is actually Britney Spears who used the abbreviation, but still. Do you know what pap means? Either "something resembling a teat or nipple," or "soft or liquid food," or "a material lacking substance."

At any rate, I keep thinking "pap smear," and that's just gross.

Please stop.

Best,
Annie

An Open Letter: Lululemon

Dear Lululemon Athletica,

I just passed your store in the Lincoln Square area, and was delighted to see that you were having a sale. This was exciting as I have just started jogging again, and am in desperate need of new running clothes. Specifically, new sports bras.

I went in to try some on, and before I say anything, I'd like to mention that I am a "traditionally built" Ashkenazi* woman (read: large-bosomed), so I have certain requirements in a sports bra. Like support. Unfortunately, you, lululemon, seem to be confused. You seem to think that sports bras work on proportional scale. This is not true. Just because a size is larger, and technically "fits" does not mean that it is useful to someone of that size.

For instance? I tried your "marathon" bra and laughed out loud. Any woman looking at it can tell that it will not provide the requisite support. It is a single piece of material, and only one layer of support. There is no mechanism to lift, or separate, it will necessarily give uniboob, and the only support provided is by means of strapping everything in.

Seriously? This is it?

Compare to your far superior "bounce breaker" which you did not have in my size. According to the site, the "marathon" bra provides maximum support. Really? Just look at the difference. The "bounce breaker" has an inner bra for extra support, mesh panels that separate different parts (and keep the bra from becoming a "two puppies, one bag" bra), and far less annoying straps. If by "support" you mean "covering as much of your chest as possible," then yes, the "marathon" is more supportive.

Basically, I have just discovered that while I may admire your style, you and I will never be friends. Sad for me.

Best,
Annie

*Ashkenazi Jews are Jews of Eastern European desecent.

An Open Letter: Gawker

Dear Gawker,

I have been a fan of your for a long time, however, you have recently removed my favorite feature "Bloggorhea." I realize that the name was somewhat distasteful, and that the feature was probably very work-intensive, but how am I to find out about new, scandalous blogs?

You have brought great things into my life (and my Google Reader). I will list, but not link to them (because really, do I want strangers with scandalous lives to find my blog?):

-CollegeCallGirl
-Irish and Jew
- Fake Jew (now defunct)
- Amish in the City
- Cajun Boy
- WaiterRant
- Barmaid Blog
- Dishalicious

Oh, Gawker, what am I to do?

Also, you've been really, really mean lately. And not so funny. You should probably work on that.

Warmest Regards,
Annie

An Open Letter: Hippies

Dear Hippies.

I spent this last weekend in what I can only imagine is your natural habitat: a music festival. After observing you fairly intensely over the course of three days, I have a few questions about your lifestyle. Specifically, a number of aspects don't seem to jive with the ideology. For instance:

The clothing: There is almost a hippie uniform. Long flowy skirts, cargo shorts, or corduroy patch shorts, tie dye t-shirts, bajas, and so on. But there is an issue here. Either you pay a lot of money for something handmade, or of natural fabrics, or you pay very little, and it is the result of sweatshop labor. Neither of these options really seems to fit with the hippie ethos of not caring about possessions. Also, the fact that there IS a uniform seems to contradict the whole idea of non-conformity.

A hippie clothing store... it seems oxymoronic.

The food: organic food. Ok, so it might be better for you, but you know who it isn't better for? Local farmers. Field Maloney wrote a great article in Slate about Whole Foods and the organic food movement. You should read it. Basically it says that organic foods aren't, on balance, better for the environment, as they are mass produced, mostly in foreign countries, and then have to be shipped to their destination. The environmental impact is greater than if you just bought from local farmers who use pesticides. Also, since organic food is more expensive to produce, it is taking market share away from poor, local farmers and giving it to big bad farming conglomerations.

Organic food: mmm, from Chile.

The drug culture: While I don't really get drugs in general, it seems particularly silly for hippies to do them. Not only are they expensive, but the drugways (are they called that? Like foodways, but for drugs?) take advantage of low-income people, expose them to danger and legal action, and are for no productive purpose.

I have a lot of other questions, like why you would use organic soap, because organic just means origin, not how it impacts the environment (so if you use it, it could still be polluting just as much). And why all of the vendors used paper products to serve their food, and plastic bags to hold their merchandise. Wouldn't these seem to be obvious issues?

Last, but not least, the festival itself: it costs between $130-150 to attend and camp for three days. It requires specialized camping equipment which is not cheap... unless you go to Walmart, which as we know is pretty much the antithesis of the hippie lifestyle (NB lots of people had Walmart brand tents). It requires that you have disposable income, and free time. So it seems that to be able to be a hippie that attends festivals, you have to be fairly affluent, or be supported by someone who is.

This is not to say that I dislike hippies or their ideology, I am just confused by the seeming inherent contradictions. Please advise me on how you engage with these issues.

Best,

Annie

An Open Letter: Yankees Clubhouse

Dear Yankees Clubhouse,

why don't you carry a Jorge Posada t-shirt in women's sizes? Do you only carry women's shirts with the names of specific, big name players, or those with silly slogans, or covered in pink and sparkles? Why do you artificially manipulate our fanship to conform to those big name players? Must we be forced to buy youth large t-shirts forever? And, for the record, youth extra large t-shirts are huge, comparable in size to the adult small, don't think that I didn't check.

You see, this is a problem because I really want a Jorge Posada t-shirt. Jorge is my boy. Not only is he an amazing player, but I have loved him ever since the all-star game where, when his name was called, a teeny child came out onto the field, wearing a teeny Posada uniform, complete with black greasepaint stripes under the eyes.

the genesis of my love

I am going to a Yankee's game tomorrow night, and am seriously disappointed that not only could I not find a Posada t-shirt in a women's size, but that you were also out of youth larges. I was forced to buy a Chien Ming Wang t-shirt, because, if I can't wear Posada, I at least want a t-shirt that says "WANG" in big letters across the back.

Please consider offering t-shirts with the names of other players (or customizeable) in women's sizes, sans sparkles.

Sincerely Yours,
Annie