Real Conversations

That I've had with my father:

On my (female) cousin having a male roommate:

Dad: You sure they're not sleeping together?
Me: Dad, they have seperate rooms, what would be the benefit?
Dad: I don't know...
Me: She isn't even attracted to them, it's a platonic friendship.
Dad: There is no such thing for guys. They always want it to go further. Guys think with their dicks, that is why we are called "dickheads."
Me: What about with ugly girls?
Dad: Those girls would have to be dogs.

On my BabyBrother's facebook page:

Me: You haven't seen it, right? I told him that he should probably clean it up before he applies for summer internships.
Dad: Well, actually....
Me: Oh dear.
Dad: No, it is just that he left it signed in, and so I removed the line "smoking mad blunts" from under "interests" and scrubbed the rest of it for drug references.
Me: Has he noticed?
Dad: I don't think so. Maybe he is too busy "smoking mad blunts."

On Moving To Israel:

Dad: If you studied (security studies) in Israel (instead of London), Mom and I might live there for a year or so after I retire. Then you could live with us, just as you and your husband will after you get married.
Me: ...