Sadly, none of this.
Reasons that I need to move to Chicago:
1) I have already dated all of the Modern Orthodox Guys in NYC (not quite, but close)
2) Witzy wants to live in the Midwest, and she is my heterosexual life partner.
3) It is far from my parents' house. Maybe my father will stop pressuring me to move "home" if I go to a new city.
4) Trial run for making aliya(?)
5) Less expensive than New York.
6) It will be an adventure, just like going to Wah Fu* was an adventure. Except with fewer industrial plants. I think. Do they still pack meat in Chicago?
7) Maybe I'll finally get the song "Uptown Girl" out of my head. Every time that I take the Uptown 1/2/3 train, it starts.
*If you don't know where Wah Fu is, consider yourself lucky.